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Wishing The Internet A Very Merry Christmas TWO CYNICAL GUYS FROM ORLANDO FINALLY GROW OUT OF THINKING EVERYTHING SUCKS AND TRY TO PROVE WHO CAN BE HAPPIER BY SIMPLY LIKING THINGS AND ENJOYING THEMSELVES Chandler Abraham and Matt Strokofski are two guys in their twenties who had bad high school experiences. This led them to hate everything (because everything is so predictable), but now they are trying to get past that, since they realize that's pretty predictable, too. [Ring...] C: Hello? M: Yeah. C: What? M: Nothing. C: Cool. M: So I was watching MTV. C: Oh, boy. M: I was watching it, and realizing that a lot of the stuff on there is kinda OK. C: Yeah, I like that new "Livin La Vida Loca" thing. M: [silence.] C: It's got a good chord progression. M: Oh yeah? Is it Lydian? C: Oh, I dunno. I try not to think about it too much. I just try to enjoy it. M: Yeah, sometimes it's good to do that. I even enjoyed a sandwich I had a few minutes ago. Even though everyone else eats sandwiches, they're not half bad if you just try to enjoy the flavor and not think about all the stupid people in the world. C: Fuck, that Britney Spears "Hit Me Baby One More Time" thing is on. M: Oh, I like that song. The dancing is good. C: It's a total fetish video! How can you like that shit!? M: It just sounds good. C: Well it sucks. But that Third Eye Blind song is pretty good. I can totally stand listening to that. It actually makes a good point, "Cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in." M: Yeah, but do you think they really meant it? They were probably told by some asshole producer to put that line in there. C: Who cares? Just because someone from outside the band wrote the song doesn't mean it's bad. M: Oh, I know. That's like when Metallica does cover songs. C: Metallica sucks. They completely sold out. Everything they've done since Ride The Lightning is complete crap. M: Well, it's OK sometimes. I try to ignore that "aaahhhhhhh" thing that James Hetfield does after every song. [Does annoying impression.] Did you know that Jason Newsted saves his deli-tray every night, even though he's a millionaire? What a greedy asshole. And Nomeansno drives around in a fucking van, man. C: Yeah, but Nomeansno owns all the rights to their music. M: Just like Ani. C: Oh, I love Ani. M: Yeah, it's nice sometimes to just listen to a girl play an acoustic guitar. C: No it isn't, her lyrics are meaningful. M: Oh, I know, but she's happy, too. C: Well you'd be happy if you were a millionaire. M: Sherry shouldn't have fucked my best friend in 2nd grade, then I'd be happy. C: Get over it, people have sex. People get drunk and have sex. Everyone does. M: Whatever. I need to go. C: WHY? M: You're getting bad. C: How? M: I don't need to hear all this crap again. I've heard it so many times. I'm completely over it. I go to the beach sometimes, too. C: Yeah, I miss going to the beach. I haven't been to the beach in probably 15 years. Ever since that time some girl and beer and a book, etc. I really need a milkshake. Do you want to just go and sit somewhere for a while and talk? M: No, I think I'm just going to go and watch VH1. The Vanilla Ice Story is on tonight. C: Cool, you should memorize every line of it and recite little known facts at me all the time. I care so much about Vanilla Ice. M: You're an asshole. You're just mad because I'm happy and you're not. C: Fuck you, I'm the one who does more productive things than you. M: How can you say you're happier than me? I threw a Coke can in the garbage today and didn't care if it got recycled or not. C: Oh, yeah? I listened to a Christian radio program, and I liked it. M: I saw a girl today with nice tits. I didn't even care if she had a brain, I was just looking at her body, and ENJOYING IT. C: I'm so ahead of you! I watched THE NEWS instead of Beavis & Butthead, and did SITUPS instead of checking my email, then I walked to the grocery store, bought some vegetables, came home, and made myself A SALAD. I listened to Backstreet Boys and Igor Stravinsky back to back and I liked them both the same...then I had a conversation with MY MOM about the weather. I'm waaaaaay happier than you. M: [Click.] "Project Omicron" Premieres in West Virginia Aug 20 1999 CHARLESTON, WV - Jared Whitham's surrealist film "Project Omicron" aired today for the first time in West Virginia, in the home of local attorney Roger Sanders. Community members present commented on the film's unique style and dialog structure. "What did that guy say?" asked Anne Peterson, longtime area art critic. "I think he said 'photovolTAIC,'" suggested Phil Thompson, a local computer programmer. The film was met with universal confusion and mild disdain. "I don't know if you could consider that 'art,'" commented Thompson, who has himself created hundreds of masterworks during his years working for the Georgia Freshwater Fish Commission. "I thought it was imaginative, but it was very juvenile most of the time. The vomiting was excessive," said Peterson, whose weekly art column is carried in several French newspapers. Area resident Beth Harrison added, "I thought there was going to be salad with the pizza," obviously confused by the whole event. Local author Chris Higgins could not be reached for comment, but rumor had it he was upstairs masturbating the whole time. Learn more about "Project Omicron" at the Omicron funpage Nothing Is Relative (at Sam's Club) At Sam's Club you can get four two-liter bottles of Diet Coke (real Diet Coke) for $2.50. At Wal-Mart the same thing costs $3.75. Sam's Club also sells gold jewelry and Bose speakers at deep discounts. Wal-Mart doesn't sell anything made by Bose, and their gold is crap (I'm talking 14k at the Sam's Club, the Wal-Mart is just plated). At Sam's Club you can get five dozen cupcakes for $4. At Wal-Mart you're lucky to even find five dozen cupcakes. And even if you do (I did) they cost a total of over $8. And the Sam's Club cupcakes all come in one big package, nicely arranged for your party and everything. I like Sam's Club because it helps me with my eating disorder. I can get five pounds of Combos Pretzel Snacks (pizza flavor) for $9. I don't even want to think about finding five pounds of Combos anywhere else. Plus you can get three pounds of Philadelphia Cream Cheese (which is the creamiest kind) for $6. So you can dip your Combos in the cream cheese. Sam's Club lets me gorge myself for less. Sure, there's a $30-something annual membership fee, but I earn that back easily on my first binge. They even have industrial cleaning supplies for when I blow chunks all over my couch. They sell refrigerators too! Their "lawn and garden" section is a joke, though. They sell Miracle-Gro though, which is like bulimia for your lawn. The only good thing about Wal-Mart, compared to Sam's Club, is that it sells guns. The guy at Sam's Club who always works the checkout has black hair and a tongue ring and boots. His name tag says "Taylor." Sometimes when I buy frozen pizzas he makes some smart-ass comment about "stocking up for the winter" or whatever. I just toss my hair and giggle. Sometimes I fantasize about taking him back to my apartment and shooting off his penis. Interview with Frank, drummer of Florida band "The Prophecy" On a quiet day sometime last year, Frank the Drummer of the Sunshine State's own "The Prophecy" was interviewed by our man-in-Korea, Nee Huong. Here is the finished review, delayed due to translation errors. NH: Frank, I heard you've just finished working on a record. Tell me about that. FtD:"From January to March 8th we were spending 3 to 4 hours every day in the studio, just running through our songs, y'know. We got very burned-out but we've got this great record to show for it...this is actually gonna be our 4th studio effort, y'know; we're gettin into our fourth year of existence right now...we're young and stupid but we're growing together rather than apart." NH: That's excellent. How about other career options? FtD:"If I don't make it as a performer, y'know, I'll be [can be] behind the board." EH: How crazy fast is recording at 1500 rpm's? FtD:"...that is crazy. that is wicked-quick." EH: Tell us some other stuff. FtD:"500 watts of bass drum, y'know ...you get that, y'know, really over-powering cymbol, instead of a tight, gated snare-sound. With double eq, y'know, that'd be great...It's the greatest movie. When I worked at Blockbuster, I rented it out so much." EH: Well Frank, what else is there? FtD:"I've learned not to keep your mouth shut, 'cause you miss out on alot of great shit...As far as the European genre, like Terodactyl X, that's just the greatest lush choral harmonies, there're just intrinsic rhythms that you can't even comprehend, y'know...it's all about 4 bits playing with the sound i get obsessive compulsive about... I got a pair of 'em dropped down to 4 ohms, gives you this 'central sound'...I've only played with it for about 4-5 hours, y'know, just scratched the surface, i went in for the 151 fundamental... but i bought the reciever for full cost , so...i shouldn't have bout it, but." EH: Now Frank, where do you work? FtD: "I work up at Thoroughbred Music... you know what they have? If you come to Thoroughbred sometime I can show ya. I work up at Thoroughbred music. It's great; it really gets you pumped-up for..." NH: What do you think about Fiona Apple's music? FtD:"That girl scares me." NH: What do you think about Craig, the owner of this music and multimedia store we are talking in? FtD:"He's a good man...he's a very brilliant entrepeneur." Nee Huong reports for the Seoul Daily Hoyataba. "It was nice, with African cichlids and tiger barbs in it and live plants, it was a beautifully kept fish tank, very clean ... I used to like to just sit there and watch them swim around, basically. I used to enjoy the planning and the set-up, the filtration, read about how to keep the nitrate and ammonia down to safe levels and just the whole spectrum of fish-keeping interested me ... I once saw some puffer fish in the store. It's a round fish, and the only ones I ever saw with both eyes in front, like a person's eyes, and they would come right up to the front of the glass and their eyes would be crystal blue, like a person's, real cute ... It's a fun hobby. I really enjoyed that fish tank. It's something I really miss." -Jeffrey Dahmer New Feature: ASK SANTA! In this new feature, we reprint children's letters to Santa and Santa's responses. Kids, please send your letters to asksanta@leftleg.com! Letter to Santa: My nam is Steven Wilson and I am in the hospitl but am getting out son caus they are almost done with the kemotherape. I have ben good all summere long and havnt cryed even unce from the kemo even whene my hair fell outt and it bleeded. I woud like a ponye for Christmass thank you!!!! Reply from Santa: [no reply] Letter to Santa: I AM 10 YEARS OLD AND SINCE YOU ARE SANTA YOU NOW WHO I AM AND WHER I LIVE. I HAVE BEEN REAL GOOD TO MOM SINSE DAD LEFT EVEN THOW SHE SAYS I SHOLD SHOW MY FEELING. I KNOW I CANT' LET HER SEE ME CRY BECAS SHE HAS SO MANY PROBLMS AND BILLS AND CANSER. PLEASE BRING MY A BARBIE HEAD WITH THE STYLABUL HAIR. Reply from Santa: [no reply] Letter to Santa: Dear Santa, my daughter Stacy is five years old and doesn't know how to read or write yet, but she wanted me to write you a letter. She has been very good this year, despite the rough times our family has been through what with the drought and the crops failing. Stacy would like a kitten for Christmas, but we can't afford another mouth to feed, even a kitten, since I don't even have two quarters to rub together! If you really want to make this family happy, you will get us the fuck out of Iowa and give my husband a college degree! Well, I hope you get this. Sincerely, Mary Hamilton. PS: Maybe a stuffed animal of a kitten would be okay. She's not too bright anyway. Reply from Santa: [no reply] CRITIQUE OF BIKINI KILL STICKER by Dr. Lloyd Miller Art Critic Hey. Albert Chodeson, Assistant Editor of The Left Leg here. Dr. Lloyd Miller has apparently taken this holiday season off to spend some time contemplating Ayn Rand's concept of "Man As A Heroic Being." Shortly after receiving this month's topic of conversation in the mail, Dr. Miller called my voicemail box and screamed, "You can print this message in your piece of shit, unreadable, pot-boiling, compromising magazine: Can't these fucking Bikini Kill rejects learn how to use Pagemaker!?!?! These aren't the god-damned days when you had to stick bigass chunks of lead between the letters!!! You'd think if these pseudo-political activist-poseurs are smart enough to print on vinyl stickers they could afford to at least use a clean, computerized font!! I can't take any more of this hypocracy...I'm going to the fucking WOODS!" We have not heard from him since, but he did mail the sticker to us for inclusion in the issue. We hope that Dr. Miller will be joining us again soon to share some of his insight into the creation and analysis (as well as the wholehearted enjoyment) of art. Albert Chodeson Assistant Editor Interview with Trey Spruance Guitarist of Mr. Bungle (Spruance pictured left) Have you ever had the desire to clone yourself to facilitate greater instrument proficiency / to play several instruments at once? Yes, his name is Jeff. He will be standing next to Bar on stage... right between the Chicklets and Erasers. How did you like that Good Will Hunting movie & score? LIKE? I LOVED IT!! Puked my fucking guts out in the first scene when that guy was forced to eat burnt fingernails after getting pissed on by the swarm of Burmese Bats. That microtonal Ligeti stuff was very effective in the man-on-man kissing scenes, too. Great film, great memories. Missed it. How many bands send you free CD's each week? Whatever happened to TAPES? But there are AT LEAST three good bands out there...Actually, not that many bands send them. And people are smarter and nicer these days - they ask first. Have you ever seen your music as a beautiful Greek sculpture of a God with a Mickey Mouse head stitched on top at the last minute? I saw a Hindi Film with a chorus line of ghetto looking Mickey Mice doing Bob Fosse dance moves, while atomic bombs blew up in the background and hordes of schoolchildren were being gunned down. And you think I'm kidding... Have you figured out who Boba Fett really is? Wait, don't tell me... it's Dave Bowman, isn't it? I KNEW IT! How is Larry Boothroyd? Last I heard he was in Mexico when the big quake hit. Are you still in the SF area or did you retreat to Humboldt? Larry? Last I heard he was in a band called Possessed. Me? I hate everyone, everything and everywhere. So I've relocated permanently. Are you still playing your Yamaha PSR's? Did the pitch wheels freeze up yet? The PSR's are in temporary retirement, having been eclipsed by two slightly more "advanced" keyboards. Kurzweil K2500S's, to be specific. But we're letting the Kurzweil's get all trashed on the road, secure in the knowledge that the REAL keyboards, the PSR's, are safe at home. No problem with the pitch wheels yet, but we do have some popsicle sticks for keys. You know what I like? The sparse bell solo on Retrovertigo. The pick-scrapes during the heavy part on Ars Moriendi. On the intro to Pink Cigarette, that spring reverb is so unbelievably wet. The snare fill on Golem II. The drunken Brian Setzer solo on Robots. The old theme from Star Trek-esque melody on The Holy Filament. These are points that stand out and yell at me. What the hell were you thinking when you made up that sax fill lick on Vanity Fair? Seriously. How did that little thing come about? I really want to know what shoes you were wearing and all...And that "chorus" still bends my brain...those chords are like Beach Boys + Stravinsky. Funny you should mention - but it's what always happens when a caravan full of 19th century Skopzi ascetics* collides with an SUV full of lame atonal fusion jazz musicians. Thankfully the Motown production team was there this time. While everyone was bleeding to death, they put up a cardboard image of Michael Jackson, cut out the mouth, and just told everyone to sing their dying words through it. Phil Specter, Brian Wilson, George Martin - such geniuses. * (Russian Secret Society know for practicing extreme self-mutilation/castration rituals) What's the biggest misconception that people have about Mr. Bungle? That our music is "hard to play." Other than that, everything people think about us is spot-on. We're pretty much a Chili Peppers rip-off band, kind of a "side project" for the singer from Faith No More. And now that FNM is gone, we have more time to hang out with John Zorn. Life is Beautiful. How much did the recording of this album cost you? How many more albums do you owe WB? Sshhh! what are you trying to do, RUIN our GREAT SITUATION? Did you ever learn anything from Ani DiFranco? You'd think that a chick with an acoustic guitar wouldn't need 30 people working for her. Wow, that's incredible. There are seven of us, we have three crew (sound, stage, merch). Guess we need a few lessons from The Master. Urantia or mine? Yours. Mine's falling apart. In return, you can borrow my Concordex or Paramony for Seven Days each. Good luck with the Ryder. 40 channel board - yeah, right... Interview with Ruta Sepetys Manager of LIT and Steve Vai Ever wonder if Steve Vai has performed his brilliant guitar compositions in Egypt? Our staff has -- one day while studying Greece for a class on Western Civilization. So our elite staff contacted Vai's manager and asked... LL: Has Steve Vai ever performed in Egypt? RS: No, not yet. ERIC, THE SHELTERED TEENAGER, REALIZES THAT HE'S NOT LEARNING USEFUL INFORMATION IN HIGH SCHOOL Dear Brian, Hey, you never wrote me back.. i just though i'd write and tell you that i think I might be smarter than my teachers or spomething. weird. like why do they alweays make us just take home a bunch of busy work? plus we have so many books.i don't care about meposatania or egypt and I will probably never go there or anything. florida is hot enough for me! ha! so i started 9th grade today and there is some really good looking girls walking around! riding the chee se sucks and its hot and there are these assholes in the back seats that want to kick my ass. plus i have this jock asshole history teacher that is really the football coach and he just reads out of the book all day and we have to write it down and memporize it. its like i don't even want to ever know this crap because I think i want to be a comic artist because i'm good at that. well everyone think s that, i don't have like a ego problemn or anything. and my art teacher is like super annoying and just makes us draw like everyone else. i bet she's not as good as J. s cott cambell! i met him at megacon this summer and he thought that my art was good so he said i could send him some more art cuz he wants to see it.sometimes i get mad that i have to get up early and go to these dumb classes and there are so many! plus like 90% of our grades is keeping notes and notebooks and homework. i don't know why it matters how much time you spend on that shit if you lear ned it you should be able to take the test and be done with sitting there with a bunch of dumb jocks. this prick bastard mr. zablakas makes us say the plege of allegance, and one time I didn't stand up and he totally reamed me out and said i have to. whatever, i don't need to cuz its freedom of speech.mom found some of my homework papers and she thinks I am bad at writing, but i don't care i kinda hate writing except for writing emai ls/. so like mom is all "you can't make any money being a comic book artist and derawing superheros you have to get a job as a plummer or something to fall back on". you know what i found out>? that Einestine got kicked out of school 3 times. i asked the teacher about that during study hall , mr. coffee, and he said einestine was smart and i'm not s o I better get to work doing my homework and then that piece of shit jock robbie laughed at me and called me a fag and some girls laughed at me. they always laugh at me when i use my own brain. i'm not a sheep, and i don't have to be like eveyone else. i fucking hate them. sometimes i want to bring a gun to class kill everyone in there. Write back! Your brother Eric. Staff: Hoohan - Typing, Words Ed Furniture - Publisher, Words Wee Thomas - Comics Nee Huong - Overseas Correspondent Dr. Lloyd Miller - Art Critic Carl King - Ad Sales Jared Whitham - Santa Claus voices Eric - Letters To His Big Brother, Brian Contributors: Santa Claus Albert Chodeson Chandler Abraham Matt Strokofski Design: Hoohan Ed Furniture Created with little or no porn, clip-art, Crowded House's first album (it's actually very good, you should get it, it's just called "Crowded House"), anti-anxiety medication, a bunch of Macs, and seven dollars in cash (for Blimpie). Send all resumes to the ha-ha-ha-ha-ha department. Advertising Rates: $10 per issue, per banner, forever ads@edfurniture.com Copyright and other Scary Shit: We will fucking bury you if you ha-ha our hoo-ha. © 1999 The Left Leg. All rights resooooooohan. CHRISTMAS IS NOW IRREVOCABLY RUINED