"PILES OF TEXT" ISSUE
 Meeting Michael Stipe (Part 1)
By William Maier III
This daring short film documents the real-life encounter between indie movie star William Maier III (Goiterboy, Texas, Project Omicron) and REM singer Michael Stipe. Watch it now in Quicktime format! [916 k] If you don't have the Quicktime 4 player, download it here for free. You'll be glad you did!
-
Movie Review: "American Beauty"
Hello, my name is M.J. Reeves, and I am an electrical engineer for the U.S. Air Force. In the last 10 years I've bumped around the Navy, Air Force & Army serving in various acquisition agencies whose purpose it is to review defense proposals for new weapons technologies. However, my new assignment with the Air Force requires that I participate in the drafting of these proposals directly, because the Air Force does not deal with acquisition agencies. This allows me to personally witness the development and initial trials of many of the nation's most state-of-the-art weapons programs and equipment. My position affords me many fly-on-the-wall opportunities, such as the recent Electronic Warfare course I attended at Randolf AFB, which I found very exhilerating. We were mostly working on war simulators -- the next generation of what we're using today in our training facilities. The course involved many hours of actual simulator observation, as well as extensive conversations with the F-115 pilots and EWOs who flew the tests. Currently I am part of a specs analysis team whose primary goal is to complete the writing of new validation protocols for current US air-to-air combat factors within the next year.
M.J. Reeves minored in film studies at Cal Tech.
-
|
Hsing-Hsing the giant panda, before his death.
(Photo: Reuters)
|
|
Fluffy Chinese-American Friendship Symbol Finally Put to Sleep
WASHINGTON, DC - Hsing-Hsing, the famous giant panda loved by millions, was finally euthanized Sunday after a prolonged battle with kidney disease due to old age. Hsing-Hsing was 28 years old.
The giant panda became internationally famous in the 1970's, when he was given to the Smithsonian National Zoo as a gift from the Chinese government. The gift was seen as a symbol of Chinese-American friendship, and ushered in a new era of cooperation and unidirectional trade, allowing Americans unprecendented access to Chinese goods. Fluffy and lovable, Hsing-Hsing was adored by children and adults alike for his slow, clumsy, and huggable mannerisms.
Hsing-Hsing's death Sunday preceded a tragic scene, as Smithsonian visitors toured a new display of the panda's life and times. "I want to pet him!" exlaimed five-year-old visitor Carrie Morrison, before being informed that the lovable animal was recently deceased.
Several lucky Smithsonian visitors were allowed to sit in on the panda's last meal, which included yams, bamboo, rice gruel, and a special treat: a Starbucks blueberry muffin. At the sight of this last item, Hsing-Hsing became visibly excited, but doctors quickly calmed him down by injecting morphine directly into his left kidney.
According to sources, Hsing-Hsing's last words were, "Moof moof bluh hurrrb-tah." Early translations indicate that this sentence, uttered in the obscure Tso Panda dialect, means "I was just kidding about the kidneys; please give me more muffins." Unfortunately, no one fluent in Panda was present at the death ceremony, so the animal was put to sleep with a single injection to the heart.
Officials at the Smithsonian stated that Hsing-Hsing's life was long and full of joy. "He ate many muffins and delighted children worldwide," said an official press release. "After his death, Hsing-Hsing's black-and-white hide will be divided into eight hundred fluffy pieces, each of which will be numbered and released under the name 'Pokemon Panda-Bitz.'" The Panda-Bitz character is expected to be the rarest and most powerful Pokemon monster to date.
-
Interoffice Memo
re: The Danish Problem
Dear Sir,
It has come to my attention that you are responsible for the recent danish problem around the office. As your supervisor, I feel it is contingent upon me to inform you that the danish situation must be rectified ASAP in order to keep our office environment functioning smoothly.
Let me first suggest that you check with other members of the office staff before taking the last danish. Has everyone had enough danish? Perhaps you could pass around a form so everyone could specify how much danish he or she has consumed.
Another possible course of action would be for you to purchase your own private danish each day. The office danish, as you know, is purchased with petty cash and as such is for the enjoyment of everyone. Just because you want the danish does not mean it has your name on it.
In light of recent events and the great disruption caused by the danish problem, I must inform you that I am putting you on Human Resources probation. For the sake of your job, I urge you to consider the impact of your danish habits on the rest of the office.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter,
Dick Wilson
Office Manager
PS - Please also be aware that we are tracking the flavored creamer situation closely.
-
Fall Fashion Review: Hefty® Trash Bags
by LinZ, fashion and outside-world correspondent
A familiar fall item has become a teen fad this year: the Hefty® Bag. The female hip-hop star, Melissa Elliot introduced this look with her hit single, "The Rain," but this dangerous fashion statement seems to now be attracting rebelious young Marilyn Manson fans.
The Hefty® Bag is mea
|
|
|
Art by Clip Art Gansta Posse dot com
|
|
nt to be worn like a poncho, with a hole cut out for the head. This daring style choice appeals to those young people that prefer a more Gothic look. The popularity this fall is most likely because of its shiny, black, finish and low cost as compared to that of the traditional vinyl-and-lace wear that is popular among today's teens.
The Battlefield Blvd. branch of Farm Fresh reports overwhelming sales of Hefty® Bags. Manager Robert Mason states, "Mphhh, get me another beer, boy. Well the damn kids are gonna have to get to 'em first," apparently because fall leaf-bagging makes the bag a coveted item. The store says they are predicting a steep drop in sales this spring, when there will be less bagging of leaves to do, and Tommy Hillfiger is planning the launch of his much-anticipated Saran Wrap line.
LinZ participates in social activities "with other people" on a regular basis.
-
"Kingdom of Ends: Part One."
by Stinky Mittens
A man shakes pebbles out of his moccasins, wipes gray dust from his hands onto the seat of his shorts, and leans into the speaker of a drive-thru speaker menu. "I'd like a uh sloppy fish combo and uh I'd like a diet root beer to drink. You got diet root beer?" He rocks backward to scrutinize the menu for a diet root beer icon. They had it last time, he's pretty sure as he scratches his slightly depressed sternum. The self-conscious silence before the sign bursts back at him is longer than usual, so he leans in, closer, his cheek caressing the fiberglass. Maybe because he's on foot, they don't want him to do the drive-thru, but he's got legal tender in his pockets, and they shouldn't be complaining.
|
|
Photo by S. Mittens
|
|
"I'd like a sloppy fish combo with diet root beer if you have it. You ready?" Dust swirls from the holes in the speaker. His right hand plays with a button that's come loose from his shirt. "You got another speaker here I'm sposed to talk into?" Not that he can see. "You guys asleep in there? Hello?"
The drive-thru window is flapping open, so he holds it with one hand and knocks on it with the other. "Excuse me. Your menu doesn't work. Excuse me. Would you mind sending someone out the fix the menu?"
What did the lady with the coloring books and the Cheez-its say? He recreates her banyon-tree hair and broad shoulders; she was more solid than the diffused floral beauty on the one box of tampons and graver than the teen arching her back across the other. When he asked her which was better, which brand of tampons, because he didn't know anything about those things, she paused thoughtfully and asked him if he had seen the generic ones for a dollar fifty. But what did she say after that? Something about saving money. Something about people.
If they ever come out with that root beer, he'll probably pour it over his feet. It's too hot for this! He hears, "What is he doing?" and lines up, "Trying to order a fish sandwich if you don't mind," but the voice is not inside the window; it's behind him. He turns. Two girls with backpacks scurry towards the freeway. He wonders if they still have fish sandwiches at the gas station, because this is ridiculous.
Stinky Mittens is currently in college studying books.
-
History Class
from the improvised lecture notes department
Sometimes our american history class can be boring. But last night Adam and I ran into our TA at Bullwinkles and he was ripped. Here's what I remember from the rant we got him into:
The White House
"The Lincoln bedroon was originally John Adams's spank room. John Adams was the first president to live in the White House, and he would go along pullin' it all day, and eventually confined the spankings to this one room. And that room would soon come to be known as Thee Spank Chamber. Years later when Lincoln found out his bedroom used to be Adams' pud parlor, he reportedly grabbed his dick and yelled 'Fuckin Christ!'
"George Washington, first president, ate apple muffins out of wife Martha. Alexander Hamilton walked in on the two & was shot by George. Aaron Burr took the fall, fled to New Orleans, spent the rest of his life making bad land deals. Andrew Jackson's second wife was a well-known celebrity whore midget, with a third tit, nicknamed 'Dirty Nip.' They used to get drunk off a mixture of her dirty ass teat's milk and corn whiskey, known around the white house as 'Goode Father Andrew's Ass Milk.' William Henry Harrison died following a whore biting his dick off during felatio. Bled to death days later, cold weather on the day of his inauguration was blamed. Vice President Tyler became president, was at odds with Congress the whole presidency, government was gridlocked. Harrison was thusly the last Whig, since the party never again had a candidate seek the presidency, and since the Whigs were all gay Quakers.
"FDR fucked boys underwater in the White House Swimming Pool he had put in. Underwater he was able (just like JFK)."
Training Monkeys To Pull Dicks
"Harry S Truman had a tight ass. Why do you think FDR dropped his former VP to take Truman onto the DEM ticket in '44?
"Of course the plane that dropped the bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima was named 'Gay.' The pilots were hand-picked (read: literally), by Truman from an elite group of airmen who had been submitted to a series of highly specialized governement tests. Monkeys pulled their cocks to test endurance. Communist monkeys, once lab animals, now retrained to pull fighter pilot cocks. Only the most resilient of them all made it on the 'Gay.' Truman had cameras installed beneath the seats of all the men on the planes. Pilots and bombers both had to be pantsless with huge hard-ons, jerking off as the bombs exploded. Truman had the film in special radiation-proof containers so that he could view them over and over in his room. His staff reported that during most viewings, he could be heard furiously jerking off.
"FDR was sitting for a portrait when he died suddenly from a cerebral hemmorhage in Warm Springs, GA. It was a nude portrait, and all that exists of it is from the waist down, since there was no time left to finish.
"The hemmorhage was from furiously whacking off."
Monkey Cocks
"Thomas Edison and Hitler met in England when Hitler was on R&R from being a corporal in the army. Hitler had two dreams: one, to take monkey cocks and nail them on the real cocks of all the men in Germany, so that they'd have monkey cocks showing and real cocks beneath; and two, to take the german gypsies and make them into hats. Edison was like 'Dude, you're on your own with the second one, but the first idea is a winner. I can help you out with that bro.'"
Staff report from our apparently drunk staff.
-
Contributors:
William Maier III
M.J. Reeves
Dick Wilson (office manager)
LinZ
Stinky Mittens
Created with a bunch of Macs and boxes of wheat crackers. Send all resumes to the ha-ha-ha-ha-ha department.
Advertising Rates:
Now that's comedy.
Copyright and Other Scary Shit:
We will fucking bury you if you ha-ha our hoo-ha.
© 2000 The Left Leg. All rights resooooooohan.
THESE WORDS ARE IN RED.
|
